I don’t know how or where to start. Some might know me as an open book, you’ll immediately know what I’m feeling just by looking at me and I’m too talkative that I tend to overshare things, but that was all in the past now. At the end of 2019, I was looking forward to 2020. I thought this year would be better. New opportunities, finding a good and stable job perhaps or just simply being one of the best years I’ll always enjoy looking back in the future. January 2020, my Lola’s sister, Mommy Garing, died. We were close because she’s always with our Mommy Gunding whenever she’s here in Pampanga. I can still remember how sad you were when you weren’t able to attend my 18th birthday party. 23 days after she died her daughter, Tita Chie, also died because of cancer. That was February. March came and I always always look forward to March 1st because it’s our Papaw’s birthday. Little din we know that that was the last time we could celebrate his birthday with him. His 97th birthday. Days after, the nationwide lockdown/community quarantine started. April came and it is one of the hardest month for us. Papaw was hospitalized and days after being sent home, he left us… for good. Before he died, I was a firm believer na kapag oras mo na, oras mo na talaga. But that was tested nung nawala si Papaw. In addition to his sickness, naka-add sa pagbigay ng katawan niya yung loneliness, sadness and longing. Dahil nasa isolated facility siya, bawal siyang dalawin. Akala niya nineglect namin siya to the point na kapag naka-video call, ayaw na niya kaming pansinin. Almost 3 weeks din siyang nasa hospital. 2 weeks don, naghihintay lang ng result ng swab test. Ang unfair lang kasi ngayon, in three days lumalabas na yung result. The day after niyang iuwi, my cousin chatted me telling me na hinahanap daw niya ako so agad agad, kahit bawal, pinuntahan ko siya. At first, hindi niya ako makilala and that broke my heart. Sobrang hirap pigilan ng mga luha. Sabi ko na lang, “Okay lang. Huwag niyo na siya pilitin. Baka lalo siyang mahirapan.” then he called me “Jeng”. I was so happy na lumuha talaga ako. I fed him, assisted him, took care of him kahit na saglit lang. Nagsisisi lang ako dahil hindi ako nakapagpaalam sa kanyanang maayos that day kasi natutulog siya. We all know that he’s in so much pain. He even asked us to “kill him”, it’s so hard for us to see him that way. The next day, he left us permanently. I was so mad and sad and frustrated. Hindi namin siya pwede iburol nang matagal because of strict guidelines. That was the hardest and shortest 24 hours of our lives. Hindi man lang kami makapag provide ng mga flowers for his funeral. Namitas lang kami ng yellow bells and santan from our neighbor para kahit papaano may flowers siya. The month of May came and our Mommy Gunding’s brother also died. Sobrang hirap para sa aming lahat. Sobrang mabilisan lahat ng bagay. June came and I’m starting to feel okay. I got busy because I started WowoWings. All is well until the day my cousin, Kyra, died. I was asked to look after them because their parents are working and their Lola need to tend to her newly operated daughter in Manila. For days, I’m looking after them. We even celebrated our other cousin’s birthday together. Two days after that, she was rushed to the hospital. She had fever and she wouldn’t wake up but she’s breathing until nung pagbaba namin sa sasakyan, right outside the emergency room, blood started flowing from her nose. We saw her firsthand being revived until she’s pronounced dead. I couldn’t take the pain, the sadness and the guilt. I should’ve cleaned more. I should’ve done my simple job, to look after them, better. I should’ve been with her. We found out that the cause of her death was severe dengue and if not for her sacrifice, her four Ate’s wouldn’t be treated. We were also admitted to the hospital because of dengue. Days of laboratories, blood extractions, pain and agony. July came and I’m always looking forward for the month of July because it’s my birth month. No one died but some of our family friends, who we had interaction with, tested positive for covid-19. Imagine the agony and the anxiety we felt. I also applied for a corporate job and got declined. My hopes are way too high because I was endorsed by someone with a ‘position’ in that company. I was all prepared. I passed my exams and I’m just waiting for my interview. I was too excited until I received an email from the company saying that I’m not qualified. Without being interviewed. Sobrang nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat ng bagay. Kaya don’t expect too much talaga kasi sobra sobra rin yung disappointment kapag nag flop. And now, August. Papaw’s sister, Lola Mommy, also died. I couldn’t talk to anyone about this; not even my best friend or anyone close to me because with all the things happening, I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to. I don’t need the pity party. I just need to let it all out because the pain’s too much to handle. 2020 is really doing me good, huh? I hope and pray that this is the end of this nightmare and the streak of unfortunate events. Here’s to a better last four months of 2020. Please.
Always be happy, safe and healthy.
by grace, through faith.